oh god of new beginnings, hear my prayer

i show up again at this page. i am writing, a lot, reading, a lot, in this PhD pursuit of one more lifetime achievement award whose journey offers the twists and turns of unimagined detours. i have been avoiding my confessional, choosing instead to try and channel my angst in more academic directions, but they are separate forms of writing. they are different kinds of magic. they are prayers to different gods, best kept separate. but, in the pursuit of unifying theories of oneness consciousness and recognition for the myriad ways that things begin to make and remake themselves, i continue to weave my webs, quite literally, and need a place now for all these words. this kind of freedom writing, that often gets my actual life intertwined with my pursuits webs into one big ball of everything. i am an all or nothing kind of girl. i am on the edge of 45 still calling myself some kind of girl. girl. girl. girl. girl pursuits of marriage and children, lipstick and lesbians, longing and lunch, friendship and menopause...what are all these? i begin to untangle the hairball of what has been coughed up by someone else's cats. i consider the journey of longing and loneliness lined up on library shelves and the hard facts required in managing time.
busy is the fundamental of business.
it is, according to eastern ways of being i have been trying in my way to learn, by way of the tao and other morphic field resonances reverberating in my fountain of knowledge, essentially this:
do without doing and everything gets done.
i continue on this path toward discernment.
worthy path, discernment.
i pull my runes.
i begin, again, at my beginning.
i keep talking out loud in words on virtual screens.
i am talking to myself by letting the words that come rise up from the center of my being, up from the ground my feet firmly plant on,
up from their travel through the soles of my feet,
up through the legs, bending through the knees,
up toward my sacrum,
up into my tan tien,
up into my heart,
out, filling every part of my chest,
up, into my lungs,
up, into my throat,
up, into my swirling brain,
around, and around,
and down, past my mouth
that forms the words
tastes each one before it travels back
down my throat
down, into my heart
that pumps them out into my arms
down into my fingers
tips of which put themselves here
press to these keys
and form what comes
to this virtual page

i let them out

this is my job

i give it to myself

i do without doing
anything
but show up
and let what comes
out

the fountain continues
the phone rings
the prayer is answered
communication
re-establishes itself
i am here
inside myself

and life
continues